Here it is another hot ,windy Saturday in my beloved state of Texas. As I sit outside in the shade sipping on my favorite white wine pinot grigio,I hear the insects speak to each other as the train goes by. Now here I am sitting in my comfy patio chair and all of a sudden this big ass bug comes towards me. Like, I have no idea what it was, but I literally saw my life flash before my eyes as this creature that God created was fast approaching me. I jump up, scream,but I am careful not to knock over my wine. Nope that wasn’t going to happen. My kids heard me screech in fear and came running outside asking was I ok. I told them I was and they quickly grabbed their water guns to ward off the flying creature. Clearly, they want mommy to be safe and I love them for wanting to protect me. Even my neighbors came outside to see what all the ruckus was about. I mean how often do you see a grown ass woman screaming for her life running away from a flying insect? I’m sure someone had their phone out and now I’m on someone’s facebook live. At any rate ,I needed that laugh. I needed that amusement in my life simply because it’s been 30 days since I really laughed out loud and it be genuine.
My life began to change on Mother’s Day. As painful as it is to express myself in words I have to, need to, and hopefully this will help someone reading this. This particular Mother’s Day started out well and there were no hiccups that morning. Everything was coming along fine. My kids were cooperating, I was on time for a change, dinner was cooked, and I was feeling great. However, it wasn’t until later on that afternoon, when my life shifted from drive to neutral. My family and I went to visit my GG my 95-year-old grandmother who is and will always be my bestie. I would always see her if not every other day every weekend to spend time with her, talk to her, and take photos together. When I arrived to visit this Mother’s Day I knew something wasn’t right. My GG wasn’t talking and she had her head down as if she were sleep. Sitting there, in her wheel chair she didn’t move much nor did she respond to me. I tried to feed her like I have on other occasions , but she didn’t want it. Usually, I could get her to smile and look at the camera, but not this time. In the pit of my stomach I began to feel queasy and I instantly became sad because I knew it wouldn’t be long before she would get her wings. As we sat there together, I couldn’t help but think about how we would laugh and share memories together. Memories that I will always cherish. Unbeknownst to me it would be exactly 24 days later and she would be granted her wings and set free and for the next 30 days I would meet someone who would try to put shackles on me and keep me in bondage. Keeping me from freedom.
See, shortly after seeing my GG in this state I met a character who was like a drug. The power I allowed to take over me was something like no other. This thing this person made it ok for me to sleep all day. I mean I was under a spell finding myself falling asleep in my clothes hours later. This person/thing made it ok for me to drink the fermented and distilled nectar making me feel relaxed. This person/thing made it ok for me to smile in the presence of others, all the while saddened inside.This person/thing made it ok for me to devour food in gluttony. This person/thing was known as Depression. For 30 days I met and dated Depression allowing this creature to take over me. I can’t recall a moment in my 41 years of dating Depression. Even while going through the stages of my divorce I didn’t have a relationship with Depression. I know I have had a relationship with Sadness, but not Depression.
See when dating Depression, you don’t have control because Depression controls you. Depression controls your every existence such as sleep, eating habits, drinking habits, and how you communicate with people. I was dating Depression because I was sad was grieving because of my GG. I allowed Depression to exhaust me taking away all of my energy and creativity. I had no desire to write which writing for me has been my outlet yet Depression said,”No ,you don’t need that you need me”.
My GG has been looking down on me for about 2 weeks now and it still hurts. I mean this pain is like no other. For me it is hard because this is the first time I’ve lost someone close to me. However, I had to break up with Depression. Depression and I weren’t a good match because Depression wanted to rob me of my energy and love of life. Depression was starting to eat away at my mental state. I had no motivation and no energy. How could I raise my kids and be in this state ? I refused to let Depression take my life. I know now it is ok for me to cry and grieve. I know now that it is ok for me to be saddened because my GG isn’t here physically, however what is not ok is for my life to cease. Depression was trying to rob me of my existence and I can’t and won’t allow that to happen. I refuse to wither away like a flower that hasn’t been watered.
Depression is a disease in my opinion. A disease that can control your life in every way imaginable. One can be depressed and still go on with their everyday activities and no-one even know the pain that is going on inside of them. When asked by friend’s or family, ” How are you”? The response is ,”I’m doing great”. Never, ” I feel like shit”. However, my public service announcement is simply talk to someone. Talk to a friend, family member, coworker, or even write your feelings and thoughts on paper. I choose the later. Whatever you do, don’t conceal them inside because that makes the pain worse. To internalized pain, emotions, and feelings is not the best way to deal with this character. Lastly, prayer is and will always be a great solution to help when dating Depression.
So go out today laugh, love, and be happy. Talk to someone or start a journal writing down your feelings and thoughts. One thing I’ve learned so far with grieving is that I have to and must continue to love myself and live my life so that my GG will be proud because she would not want me to date Depression.
Have a great Saturday stay cool and be happy! And by the way F*** Depression ! I choose to live!