It’s Sunday also known as grocery day and judging by the number of bags I have is a clear sign that my food provisions are low. Now in my household and probably in other melaninated households there is going to be a stash of unused grocery bags. For example, mine are over flowing in an even bigger bag in the cabinet under the kitchen sink. The bags in these homes especially in my house are multi purposeful. From storage, to trash bags, to holding flour while I fry chicken, and well used to hold the umpteenth other grocery bags they all serve some sort of purpose. As I look at the plastic mess while sitting on the cold tile I came to the conclusion that it is time to remove this clutter. I couldn’t help but think of how at some point even now to a certain degree that these bags made of plastic represented various areas of my life. Someone or something or some life changing event opens our eyes to the bags that either surround us or a apart of us.
Lately, there has been one person and several life situations that have made me realize that I haven’t unpacked my emotional bags. These big black bags that I thought I tied in a knot have come untied. I even went so far as to put the twist tie on making sure it was securely closed. Lately however, they have resurfaced. I deliberately tucked them away in a corner of my closet hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with them. Afterall, they are heavy like despair and grief that we often tote around on our shoulders and in our hearts. The stench they give has escaped the bags and seeped in the pores of my skin. For years I haven’t had the courage to open them and come to terms with what is inside of them. After several failed relationships I placed the emotions in them and labeled them and decided to leave them alone. Scared to open them I choose the easy route and ignored them instead. Then I met someone who has made me realize I need to open them and face these emotions and feelings.
The first bag labeled INSECURITY is the heaviest. After being single for quite sometime you face certain qualities about yourself once you’re in a meaningful and serious relationship. Insecurities resurfaced because I never actually dealt with or healed from toxic relationships and broken people. I simply allowed these emotions covered in doubt to fester. Placing a band-aid on it and sealed the wound that never healed. Insecurities of how to trust again and insecurities of comparing him to the ones that hurt me in the past with their lies and false expectations. All of these feelings and thoughts tucked away in black trash bag in the corner of my heart.
Insecurity bag sits next to the bag labeled FEAR. Fear has been a plague for me for quite sometime. Fear of standing in front of people saying my poetry. The exposure of myself to share my stories and thoughts is scary to me. Hiding behind my laptop and hiding behind pen and paper is easy, but to put myself out there physically is challenging for me. Fear that as hard as I try to communicate to my audience will they understand what I am trying to say? Fear of me stumbling over my words or forgetting them is very overwhelming to me. Fear of being in this relationship and he becomes distant or me not being able to satisfy him are things I think about. All of these thoughts and feelings are held in this bag of FEAR that is weighing me down.
Both bags sit next to the bag labeled ATTITUDE. Yes attitude and trust me I defiantly have one. Sometimes good sometimes bad. Especially when I am hungry and when things don’t go my way my attitude is bad. I mean I can be quite bitchy! I know even at the age of 42 I sometimes regress to being 2 when I can’t get what I want when I want it. I have learned that my attitude affects my altitude. I can’t fly high and be successful with the weight of having a pissy attitude at times. How do I handle life’s disappointments and challenges? How do I manuever in this jungle of a world we live in? How my attitude is during the situation I am in will determine how the outcome is.
So as I sit here discarding the countless plastic grocery bags I take these three that have been weighing me down and decide to throw them away. I know that in order for my relationships to grow and for me to grow as a person I have to throw them out. Trash is picked up Wednesday and these bags will sit on the curb along with the rest of this shit.
Have a Happy Sunday and don’t forget to take out your TRASH!