Characters and choices #beseenin19

As I do my spring cleaning it’s that time of the year where I purge. Out with the old in with the new. Not only clothes, but spring cleaning of my mind and well my phone. Yes my phone. I was shocked with all the old photos, emails, text messages both read and unread and the unused contacts. People that I have no intention on calling and well I dount they will call me. No wonder my phone takes forever to do anything it’s full of clutter. As I sit here deleting countless photos of myself and past loves as well as text messages from old colleagues I ran across several black and white photos of myself. Funny that I sit here and recognize the woman in the photo but she still doesn’t look like me. She looks like a night of drinking Hennesy( regrets and bad decisions). Sadly, this is how I sometimes looked from 2009 to 2014 because my eyes told a story. A story where the characters were love, anger, confusion, sadness, and the starring role being depression. The main character happiness was on hiatus and at this time so much was happening in my life. Recently separated and soon to be divorced raising two boys under the age of 5 my eyes, mental state , and even physcial state were tired and worn down. Worn down like my favorite pair of pumps with the heel tap showing. My marriage was sucking my life from me and I was depressed but didn’t admit that I was. When friends and family asked how I was I would always respond “I’m fine “. How many of us do this? It’s like that’s the cop out answer to avoid explaining why we aren’t fine. My thought process was” I can handle this alone”, ” I don’t want people in my business”, or ” I don’t feel like talking about it “. When in fact at that time I needed to talk to someone! As a woman of color , I was raised to be mentally strong. However, when I would breakdown and cry I could hear my mother’s voice saying ,” Now now it’s going to be ok you hear me? You are strong.”.. so what would I do? I stopped crying. Why? Because I correlated crying as a form of weakness. So I bottled all my emotions in until at one point I couldn’t take it. I channeled my feelings and sadness into drinking. Drinking made the emotional pain subside. Now this didn’t happen over night I gradually progressed to being well a very very heavy drinker. Even as I share my story on paper it’s challenging for me to write alcoholic. To accept the fact that I was one is challenging for me. What’s ironic is this is the very reason why I couldn’t stay with my husband. He was a heavy drinker who became verbally abusive. Now do I drink today? Yes I do, but not heavy like then. Then I was drinking 2 to 3 glasses of whisky each night. Depressed because my finances were struggling and I simply felt lost. I had been with ny husband since I was 19 and at this time I was in my mid 30’s. He was all I knew and for me to be on my own I was scared of the unknown. For years my self esteem was punchered from words filled with name calling such as” bitch”and words filled with hatred like” fuck you” and “I hate you”. Once separated it got worse because now it was becoming threatining with “I hope you run off the road and die” was the theme music of my life for quite some time. Other tracks that played at the time were “Let’s throw a brick at the windshield while I’m in the driver’s seat” or ” I’ve tampered with the car it won’t start”. Despite all of this the song that played in my head was ” Don’t cry you’re strong “. Well I was terrified and scared.
Even though these events and more occurred years ago I buried them deep down inside. So far deep in my spirit and mind that I have sealed it up so tight I call it my Holy Grail. My grail full of past events that I know happened, I’ve acknowledged them, but don’t dare let them resurface. I do know that they happened and yes I am stronger than before because of these life experiences.
I am stronger because I’m a fighter. I am stronger because I am determined. I’m stronger because it’s ok for me to cry. When I don’t cry is when I’m weak. When I don’t share my stories is when I’m weak. So today, and with any other day… I choose me.. I choose my strength..I choose the characters to be happiness, love, determination, certainty, and positivity.. with the main character being self worth as I continue to write my story.
So I ask you ,” Do you choose to be strong or weak”? “What characters are part of your life”?
Choose wisely…

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